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[06 Jan 2009|06:53pm] |
i miss my cockfucking friends
=( ou es tu?
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[02 Jan 2009|12:19am] |
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music |
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spray paint and alleyways...johnny hobo |
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bye bye 2008. you were okay but i probably won't miss you. i'm guessing 2009 won't be that great because i hate the number 9. this time last year i was really fucked up. at least i'm not there anymore. this summer i'm leaving. after school is over in may. i'm going to hitch hike and probably hop a train. i don't even care where i end up. i just need to gtfo.
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[11 Dec 2008|11:46pm] |
i've only just started my final paper for engrish. it should be fairly easy to finish this weekend though because i'm already quite familiar with the topic i chose (eating disorders.) the crunch is still stressing me out. and i need to find a job. i hung out with sarah liebenow yesterday. i almost got a tattoo but i forgot my pin and couldn't get into my bank account. her dog roscoe is the shit. i want a pug. i switched my english class for next semester so i'll be taking professor mathews again. he's the shit too. my life is fairly boring lately. i really need to go exploring. someone want to come with me? we'll need a crowbar, cameras for documentation, a birdwatching book and some binoculars so if we get caught by the cops we can explain ourselves and maybe a couple beers before hand. mkay =).
i'm so excited for winter break. a month and a half to do as i pleases. yay.
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[03 Dec 2008|04:39pm] |
so far today i've had two cups of coffee with low fat half and half, a can of v8, a protein bar and i think i'm going to have an apple soon. i think colin's mom might be making vegetable curry tonight...i might have some of that. it's just beans with some veggies like spinach and cauliflower. later i will probably get drunk again and maybe eat something. i like salty, crunchy things when i drink. what is salty and low cal? maybe chips and hummus? veggies and hummus? i'll see later.
my goal is to be around 140 by march 11. i might be going to chicago then to visit colin's friends from college and i want to be hot...yes i am this lame. my plan is to be around 800 calories a day, go to the gym 4 times a week and do at least 45 minutes there each time. 30 cardio, some toning shit. blah blah blah okay.
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[02 Dec 2008|11:18pm] |
suckin' down a 40 yellin FIVE O! minus the yelling five o part.
there's this girl in my english class who is so incredibly annoying. she thinks she is absolutely right about anything and everything and most of the time she is just flat out wrong. she never shuts up, and when she talks she shouts. she denounces the theory of evolution and swears wholly and truly that everything on earth is because of a christian god. things along this line. there is nothing you can say or do to even begin to sway her or put a new thought into her head. it's useless trying to argue. which to me is the most annoying thing. whatever.
i'm getting kind of drunk. drunk feels good. feels cold and warm and delightful. i got really really drunk on saturday night and i fell down some stairs, now i have a twisted ankle. i couldn't walk at all on sunday and now i'm starting to show these huge black bruises. i mean they are BLACK. with specks of purple and blue. shit sucks. i wish i didn't get so drunk. apparently i was way too truthful playing "never have i ever." now lots of people think i'm a psychotic slut. which i can't say is too far from the truth...i'd just rather not everyone in the world know about it.
sooo calories. fuck this. i am so fat. i hate myself. i need to get back on track. i hate when i let myself go like this. blahjfdkj i just wish i could be the weight i wanted and be healthy. i wish i could just stay in my restriction and purging and stop compulsively over eating. i am getting too drunk to get into this right now.
i miss heroin.
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[28 Nov 2008|07:53pm] |
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i'm having a horrible anxiety attack. i feel like something is REALLY wrong. really really wrong. i feel like i'm going to throw up. i'm shaking really bad. it hasn't been this bad in months. something just isn't right. so i'm pretty much convinced that colin is dead right now. i don't know what the fuck to do. what the fkajghgfklh
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[27 Nov 2008|02:14pm] |
not looking forward to the rest of the day. or week for that matter. i don't want to be bugged by my family about school etc. i don't want to stuff my face and get huge. i don't want to get up at 7am again tomorrow and saturday to do work that i hate. yah ok.
my house is too tooo hot. i'm sweating trying to get dressed. my stomach and head hurt and i'm craving junk. piss off akdgjhflk
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| shiny fabrics are unforgiving. |
[24 Nov 2008|02:17pm] |
i think that maybe i could be crazy. not like...wear suits of tinfoil and run around town crazy, but yeah. one moment i'm incredibly peaceful, know what i want, what i'm going to do about life, really clear headed. the next minute i'm freaking out and crying over the exact thing that i was just so sure of. i don't think i'm bipolar, when i was on the medicine for that it made me crazier. i think i'm just really conflicted and overly emotional.
i'm constantly exhausted. colin says it's the weather...i don't give a fuck what it is. it's really annoying. i want to be able to get out of bed and do shit, but i'm just tooooo tired.
tomorrow night i'm going back to my house and taking some tranquilizers and passing out by 10pm. then at 7am wednesday morning i will be getting up to go work for 10hrs. it is going to fucking suck, but maybe i can start getting up and going to sleep at normal times instead of going to bed at 5am and sleeping til 2. cause as sweet as that sounds to some, it sucks.
i think i should start smoking weed again. i think i miss it. i miss being able to smoke a bowl and watch tv and take a nap. i can still watch tv and take a nap but it's better when you're high. i stopped because it gave me anxiety attacks but i think maybe it would help me calm down now.
i miss my friends. i'm not sick of glens falls or colin but i miss my friends. i feel like i screwed up. i'm sorry guys =(
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[20 Nov 2008|03:43pm] |
all i do is drink. i don't even get drunk anymore. i sit around and drink beer or forties all night and eat food. i haven't gained any weight though, because i usually don't eat anything the first half of my day. i guess this is a weird form of alcoholism/bulimia? my binges aren't even that bad. 1200 calories, tops. 800 cals average. that doesn't include the brews. one OE has 520 calories, and i usually have 2. so total cals is around 2000. erh. i think tonight i won't do that.
OMG NEXT WEEK IS GOING TO SUCK SO BAD. i told my parents that i'd help them at work from wednesday until saturday. i definitely need the money but i won't be able to drink and i won't be able to see colin. blaaah. thanksgiving though, YAY! it's gonna be good to be out of this house for a few days too.
i always forget what's going on whenever i go to update this.
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[17 Nov 2008|11:46pm] |
sooo. i was sitting in philosophy class today when i noticed a spider crawling across my coat, which was on the chair next to me. i've been trying to make a mends with this species lately, so i didn't want to kill it. i flicked it onto the floor and thought i was done with it. about five minutes later i feel a tickle on my wrist and see this bugger crawling up my sleeve! i shake my wrist around to get it off and the fucker jumps into my cleavage. it crawls down my shirt and all over my ta-tas. i jump out of my seat and shout fuck, run out the door, bending over and brushing myself at the same time. no doubt everyone thought i was insane. i take my shirt off (i had a tank on underneath) and run down the hall. i spent about ten minutes in the bathroom making sure it wasn't still there. shamefully walked back into a classroom full of curious eyes.
what i find even slightly stranger about this whole event, is that about ten minutes before it happened i was thinking about having a spider on my book. and that it would be my friend and sit with me.
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[14 Nov 2008|04:35pm] |
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the badger song |
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burble burble. i like the way that sounds. i've been eating the past few days. i haven't counted calories or weighed myself. i don't know how i feel about that. i feel fat and gross, disappointed and anxious. but at the same time i know it's good for me. yeah whatev.
school blah blah blah. i'm gonna apply at hannaford next week. i can't work there over thanksgiving break cause i'm going home. i'm gonna work with my parents for three days and make easily 200 dollars.
i've been thinking about taking next semester off of school and hitching to chicago and sanfran and squat some. i really need to get out of this place and go on an adventure and it seems like a good time to do it. i really don't know what to do though. i think i'm gonna take just a few classes (if they let me, haha.) and work PT and make some bucks and just go over the summer, because that is more logical. i hope colin and i can get an apt soon. SOMEONE BE OUR ROOMMATE. i think if i had a place to call my own that i would feel less anxious about staying around here.
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[07 Nov 2008|02:03am] |
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drinking 40's makes me happy. i don't feel happy when i get drunk and hungry however.
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[06 Nov 2008|01:35am] |
( listings )
i've been having really strange, disturbing dreams lately. the other night i dreamed i was in my car alone. i pulled into a parking lot and got into the passenger seat. there was crap like old cans and papers all over the floor. i pulled some stuff out of my pocket and i didn't know what it was until i looked in my hand. there was a needle, a spoon, a lighter and some heroin. i got really freaked out but decided i would do it. so i took my belt off and tied up my arm, and cooked the shit. i sucked it up into the needle and got all ready to do it, then i decided that i didn't want to. i threw all the stuff on the ground and kicked it around with the garbage. then i looked out the window and saw colin walking up to the car. i freaked out cause i knew he would see the stuff and that i wouldn't be able to explain what happened. then i woke up.
i also had a dream that i was in some weird housing development, i don't know if i lived there or if i was visiting someone. i was really bored then someone called and told me to go to a place around the corner from where i was. so i left. i was wearing doc marten boots, a black skirt and my winter coat. it was raining out so i took a short cut through some people's yards. i got to this place and there were a bunch of guys and some skanky girls and everyone was smoking weed. i got high, then my friend called and wanted me to go back where i was. for some reason i took a bowl and it was packed and i was going to leave with it. then one of the guys got up and i thought he was going to yell at me for stealing, but he told me to watch out for cops. so i stuck it in my pocket and ran.
it's hard trying to accurately describe dreams. it all makes sense in my head and i know what happened, but i just can't seem to relate it.
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[05 Nov 2008|02:27pm] |
would you treat me better, if i were skinnier?
if i were prettier, would you pay more attention to me?
would i get better grades, if i lost ten pounds?
would someone call, just to see how i was, if i were my goal weight?
would i be a priority if i were fucking perfect? if you couldn't ignore how beautiful i was? just fuck this asghsdflkuslk FUCK THIS.
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[03 Nov 2008|10:44pm] |
( self hatred. )
so i've thought a lot about shit and i've decided that i'm going to start going to math and taking all of school more seriously. i'm in it, and there's nothing i can do to get out of it, so i might as well do a good job at it. i'm not doing this for anyone but myself. i will have a lot less to worry about if i just take care of things. and i'm going to go out of my way now to get a job. they're applying at the dollar store and a local deli, and probably a lot more places. i'm going to save up and hopefully move out with colin in a few months, because i really can't take this place anymore. i have to write a paper on abortion. these are apparent aborted baby parts....
i think that shit's fake. besides, what kind of sicko saves dead fetus parts and lays them over a quarter to take photos of?
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[03 Nov 2008|04:54pm] |
i think i'm back on the wagon. i said no to everything this morning and i have class through dinner time so i hope that will be easy to avoid. so far today i've had coffee with cream in it. i'm really tired. i think it's because i slept too much and i'm just groggy. i'm going to have something small when colin gets out of work then i'm going to take my sleep meds and go to bed. i'm still 5lbs heavier than thursday, i hope it all comes off by this thursday again and i won't drink and shit this weekend (HAHAH.) i'm kidding myself there. it's so hard to avoid that stuff on weekends when structure disappears. and i get wasted and want taco bell and am too drunk to care about calories. blegh. i dont fucking know. this shit sucks. i just want to be thin thin thin.
i have a quiz in philosophy in an 1.5hrs on 40 pages of text that i haven't read. GREAT. i should go get on that but for some reason i really just don't give a fuck. colin's mom yelled at me for never going to math. she told me that my parents would be wicked pissed and that i wouldn't be able to transfer. blah blah blah. it made me feel weird. i know she has good intentions and that what she's saying is true, but it's stuff i already knew and don't need someone else to tell me. i know, and i obviously don't care. so why bother? colin did the same shit to me last night accept worse. he was trying to tell me that i was embarrassed to show up and afraid that i couldn't redeem myself. not true? fuck you? i just honestly don't care. i don't want to get up on four hours of sleep to waste gas going to a class where i learn nothing. not really my thing. i should probably just go talk to a counselor about it and see what can be done. i will tell them about my insomnia too and get a doctors note. i just really fucking hate this shit. it's not for me. but the people in my life really can't see that. and i know they have good intentions when they try to pressure me to take this route. but i'm not happy and i can't see myself being happy with anything like this in the future. and no one wants to listen to that. colin says it's an immature excuse for laziness and fear. which pisses me off even more. i didn't know it was immature to know myself. to identify what makes me happy or unhappy and take actions to improve MY OWN LIFE. seriously, fuck off. it's no one's business but my own. i'm a good girlfriend to him, i'm good to his mom and my parents, what i do in my own time does not concern them. plus them putting extra pressure on me just makes it that much more overwhelming and irritating.
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[01 Nov 2008|07:31pm] |
ugh fuck. i've gained 7lbs. i know it's just food and drink and i didn't ACTUALLY gain that much. however it's still sickening to see that number on the scale. i had taco bell and chinese food last night =( and today i had some stuffed crust pizza. ugh. i'm going out again tonight then i'm not eating or having alcohol for four days. i will do 200 calories/day.
i have dye in my hair right now because blonde just doesn't look good on me. i look busted in all the pictures i see of myself. the shit i'm doing now is dark mahogany? it's dark reddish brown which is very me. i hope it turns out. =)
halloween was pretty good. i wish people would wear neat costumes all the time.
lil ash is a nerd and i'm a vamp (sans fang)
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[30 Oct 2008|11:02pm] |
i'm exhausted. i haven't slept in 36ish hours. i hate halloween candy. i hate it. i keep fucking eating it. i'm sure if i didn't have all the calories from those tricky little bars that i would be AT LEAST .5lbs less than i am right now. i finally lost a pound though and i'm in the 1x0's. time to get down to the next ten digits! i would really like to lose another pound by tomorrow but i doubt that will happen. and i'm going to be drinking all weekend so monday isn't a good goal either. next friday i want to be 1x5. that's 5 pounds in a week. i can do it. =)
my arm pit and abs hurt. and my head is cold cause i showered. i cant wait for colin to get home. <3
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[28 Oct 2008|10:48pm] |
( akisdgh )
got a 77 on that philosophy test, not bad but i want to get at least a B in that class. i still can't bring myself to get to math. it's so frustrating because i know that i really HAVE to, i just can't. i can't get up after only sleeping for 4 hours, to go to a class where i'm bored and irritated. i just want to pass that class and have it be over with. i'm really frustrated right now because i don't know when colin is going to get out of work. i never know. it's annoying to have to plan my night out when i don't know what to plan around. if i knew that he were going to get out at 1 or something then i would stay up and pick him up etc. or if he were going to stay later, i would take my meds and go to bed. but i don't know and i don't know what to do. he can never give me a time and it drives me absolutely NUTS waiting for that text. i know that i should just do what i want despite what he does, and that he'll learn to adjust to me, but for some reason i just can't. i don't know why. i feel like he wouldn't, and he'd just keep doing what he's doing. like staying up until 6:30, yeah, 6 fucking 30 in the morning and then sleeping until right before he leaves. sakdjfkbvka jhfrutewroiasdf i hate everything wtf.
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headache.