Morgan

morganrules @ 2009-01-06T18:53:00

2009-01-06T23:54:31Z

i miss my cockfucking friends
=( ou es tu?

morganrules @ 2009-01-02T00:19:00

2009-01-02T05:27:40Z

bye bye 2008. you were okay but i probably won't miss you. i'm guessing 2009 won't be that great because i hate the number 9. this time last year i was really fucked up. at least i'm not there anymore. this summer i'm leaving. after school is over in may. i'm going to hitch hike and probably hop a train. i don't even care where i end up. i just need to gtfo.

morganrules @ 2008-12-11T23:46:00

2008-12-12T04:53:52Z

i've only just started my final paper for engrish. it should be fairly easy to finish this weekend though because i'm already quite familiar with the topic i chose (eating disorders.) the crunch is still stressing me out. and i need to find a job. i hung out with sarah liebenow yesterday. i almost got a tattoo but i forgot my pin and couldn't get into my bank account. her dog roscoe is the shit. i want a pug. i switched my english class for next semester so i'll be taking professor mathews again. he's the shit too. my life is fairly boring lately. i really need to go exploring. someone want to come with me? we'll need a crowbar, cameras for documentation, a birdwatching book and some binoculars so if we get caught by the cops we can explain ourselves and maybe a couple beers before hand. mkay =).

i'm so excited for winter break. a month and a half to do as i pleases. yay.

morganrules @ 2008-12-03T16:39:00

2008-12-03T21:43:38Z

so far today i've had two cups of coffee with low fat half and half, a can of v8, a protein bar and i think i'm going to have an apple soon. i think colin's mom might be making vegetable curry tonight...i might have some of that. it's just beans with some veggies like spinach and cauliflower. later i will probably get drunk again and maybe eat something. i like salty, crunchy things when i drink. what is salty and low cal? maybe chips and hummus? veggies and hummus? i'll see later.

my goal is to be around 140 by march 11. i might be going to chicago then to visit colin's friends from college and i want to be hot...yes i am this lame. my plan is to be around 800 calories a day, go to the gym 4 times a week and do at least 45 minutes there each time. 30 cardio, some toning shit. blah blah blah okay.

morganrules @ 2008-12-02T23:18:00

2008-12-03T04:59:24Z

suckin' down a 40 yellin FIVE O! minus the yelling five o part.

there's this girl in my english class who is so incredibly annoying. she thinks she is absolutely right about anything and everything and most of the time she is just flat out wrong. she never shuts up, and when she talks she shouts. she denounces the theory of evolution and swears wholly and truly that everything on earth is because of a christian god. things along this line. there is nothing you can say or do to even begin to sway her or put a new thought into her head. it's useless trying to argue. which to me is the most annoying thing. whatever.

i'm getting kind of drunk. drunk feels good. feels cold and warm and delightful. i got really really drunk on saturday night and i fell down some stairs, now i have a twisted ankle. i couldn't walk at all on sunday and now i'm starting to show these huge black bruises. i mean they are BLACK. with specks of purple and blue. shit sucks. i wish i didn't get so drunk. apparently i was way too truthful playing "never have i ever." now lots of people think i'm a psychotic slut. which i can't say is too far from the truth...i'd just rather not everyone in the world know about it.

sooo calories. fuck this. i am so fat. i hate myself. i need to get back on track. i hate when i let myself go like this. blahjfdkj i just wish i could be the weight i wanted and be healthy. i wish i could just stay in my restriction and purging and stop compulsively over eating. i am getting too drunk to get into this right now.

i miss heroin.

morganrules @ 2008-11-28T19:53:00

2008-11-29T01:02:30Z

i'm having a horrible anxiety attack. i feel like something is REALLY wrong. really really wrong. i feel like i'm going to throw up. i'm shaking really bad. it hasn't been this bad in months. something just isn't right. so i'm pretty much convinced that colin is dead right now. i don't know what the fuck to do. what the fkajghgfklh

morganrules @ 2008-11-27T14:14:00

2008-11-27T19:16:11Z

not looking forward to the rest of the day. or week for that matter. i don't want to be bugged by my family about school etc. i don't want to stuff my face and get huge. i don't want to get up at 7am again tomorrow and saturday to do work that i hate. yah ok.

my house is too tooo hot. i'm sweating trying to get dressed. my stomach and head hurt and i'm craving junk. piss off akdgjhflk

shiny fabrics are unforgiving.

2008-11-24T19:53:28Z

i think that maybe i could be crazy. not like...wear suits of tinfoil and run around town crazy, but yeah. one moment i'm incredibly peaceful, know what i want, what i'm going to do about life, really clear headed. the next minute i'm freaking out and crying over the exact thing that i was just so sure of. i don't think i'm bipolar, when i was on the medicine for that it made me crazier. i think i'm just really conflicted and overly emotional.

i'm constantly exhausted. colin says it's the weather...i don't give a fuck what it is. it's really annoying. i want to be able to get out of bed and do shit, but i'm just tooooo tired.

tomorrow night i'm going back to my house and taking some tranquilizers and passing out by 10pm. then at 7am wednesday morning i will be getting up to go work for 10hrs. it is going to fucking suck, but maybe i can start getting up and going to sleep at normal times instead of going to bed at 5am and sleeping til 2. cause as sweet as that sounds to some, it sucks.

i think i should start smoking weed again. i think i miss it. i miss being able to smoke a bowl and watch tv and take a nap. i can still watch tv and take a nap but it's better when you're high. i stopped because it gave me anxiety attacks but i think maybe it would help me calm down now.

i miss my friends. i'm not sick of glens falls or colin but i miss my friends. i feel like i screwed up. i'm sorry guys =(

morganrules @ 2008-11-20T15:43:00

2008-11-20T21:06:56Z

all i do is drink. i don't even get drunk anymore. i sit around and drink beer or forties all night and eat food. i haven't gained any weight though, because i usually don't eat anything the first half of my day. i guess this is a weird form of alcoholism/bulimia? my binges aren't even that bad. 1200 calories, tops. 800 cals average. that doesn't include the brews. one OE has 520 calories, and i usually have 2. so total cals is around 2000. erh. i think tonight i won't do that.

OMG NEXT WEEK IS GOING TO SUCK SO BAD. i told my parents that i'd help them at work from wednesday until saturday. i definitely need the money but i won't be able to drink and i won't be able to see colin. blaaah. thanksgiving though, YAY! it's gonna be good to be out of this house for a few days too.

i always forget what's going on whenever i go to update this.

morganrules @ 2008-11-17T23:46:00

2008-11-18T04:52:42Z

sooo. i was sitting in philosophy class today when i noticed a spider crawling across my coat, which was on the chair next to me. i've been trying to make a mends with this species lately, so i didn't want to kill it. i flicked it onto the floor and thought i was done with it. about five minutes later i feel a tickle on my wrist and see this bugger crawling up my sleeve! i shake my wrist around to get it off and the fucker jumps into my cleavage. it crawls down my shirt and all over my ta-tas. i jump out of my seat and shout fuck, run out the door, bending over and brushing myself at the same time. no doubt everyone thought i was insane. i take my shirt off (i had a tank on underneath) and run down the hall. i spent about ten minutes in the bathroom making sure it wasn't still there. shamefully walked back into a classroom full of curious eyes.

what i find even slightly stranger about this whole event, is that about ten minutes before it happened i was thinking about having a spider on my book. and that it would be my friend and sit with me.

morganrules @ 2008-11-14T16:35:00

2008-11-14T21:40:45Z

burble burble. i like the way that sounds. i've been eating the past few days. i haven't counted calories or weighed myself. i don't know how i feel about that. i feel fat and gross, disappointed and anxious. but at the same time i know it's good for me. yeah whatev.
school blah blah blah. i'm gonna apply at hannaford next week. i can't work there over thanksgiving break cause i'm going home. i'm gonna work with my parents for three days and make easily 200 dollars.
i've been thinking about taking next semester off of school and hitching to chicago and sanfran and squat some. i really need to get out of this place and go on an adventure and it seems like a good time to do it. i really don't know what to do though. i think i'm gonna take just a few classes (if they let me, haha.) and work PT and make some bucks and just go over the summer, because that is more logical. i hope colin and i can get an apt soon. SOMEONE BE OUR ROOMMATE. i think if i had a place to call my own that i would feel less anxious about staying around here.

morganrules @ 2008-11-07T02:03:00

2008-11-07T07:04:14Z

drinking 40's makes me happy. i don't feel happy when i get drunk and hungry however.

morganrules @ 2008-11-06T01:35:00

2008-11-06T07:09:01Z

can of soup - 110
5 cups of french vanilla coffee - 200
bowl of corn chips (unnecessary snacking.) - 300
1/2 godiva bar - 100
710
and i worked out, so probably take 350 off of that. 350 total. not great, but not awful. also, i'm back down to 170, only one pound over what i reached last thursday. and 7 pounds lighter than what i was last night. strange, no? not complaining, it's just weird. oh yeah, i'm done using x's cause it's confusing and stupid. i need to see how fat i actually am. i weigh 170 fat fucking pounds. i want to weigh 125-135. kthxbai.

i've been having really strange, disturbing dreams lately. the other night i dreamed i was in my car alone. i pulled into a parking lot and got into the passenger seat. there was crap like old cans and papers all over the floor. i pulled some stuff out of my pocket and i didn't know what it was until i looked in my hand. there was a needle, a spoon, a lighter and some heroin. i got really freaked out but decided i would do it. so i took my belt off and tied up my arm, and cooked the shit. i sucked it up into the needle and got all ready to do it, then i decided that i didn't want to. i threw all the stuff on the ground and kicked it around with the garbage. then i looked out the window and saw colin walking up to the car. i freaked out cause i knew he would see the stuff and that i wouldn't be able to explain what happened. then i woke up.

i also had a dream that i was in some weird housing development, i don't know if i lived there or if i was visiting someone. i was really bored then someone called and told me to go to a place around the corner from where i was. so i left. i was wearing doc marten boots, a black skirt and my winter coat. it was raining out so i took a short cut through some people's yards. i got to this place and there were a bunch of guys and some skanky girls and everyone was smoking weed. i got high, then my friend called and wanted me to go back where i was. for some reason i took a bowl and it was packed and i was going to leave with it. then one of the guys got up and i thought he was going to yell at me for stealing, but he told me to watch out for cops. so i stuck it in my pocket and ran.

it's hard trying to accurately describe dreams. it all makes sense in my head and i know what happened, but i just can't seem to relate it.

morganrules @ 2008-11-05T14:27:00

2008-11-05T19:31:01Z

would you treat me better, if i were skinnier?
if i were prettier, would you pay more attention to me?
would i get better grades, if i lost ten pounds?
would someone call, just to see how i was, if i were my goal weight?
would i be a priority if i were fucking perfect? if you couldn't ignore how beautiful i was? just fuck this asghsdflkuslk FUCK THIS.

morganrules @ 2008-11-03T22:44:00

2008-11-04T03:02:47Z

yikesss. i just binged on a freaking eggplant parm sub and some calzone. =( i feel like such a fat disgusting failure. i can't even lose ten fucking pounds. let alone trying for 40 more. i hate myself and i wish i had more control. when i came home colin's mom had it on a plate for me and sat down to eat. I HATE WHEN THIS HAPPENS. plus i was starving and it just looked and smelled so good. fuck =(. i'm not eating ANYTHING tomorrow. not even a salad or soup. i don't give a fuck. i'll do that for as long as i fucking can. coffee and tea is where i'll get enough sustenance to not die. this weekend i'm going to do a salt water flush too. it's a mild laxative that gets all of the shit outta your system (no pun intended.) you can lose up to five pounds just doing that. i'm sure there's lots of crap (again, no pun) in my innards cause i've eaten so much all weekend. i'm going to be 1x3 by next thursday, and i don't care what it takes. that's 10lbs in 10 days. yup. i'm being way too easy on myself.

so i've thought a lot about shit and i've decided that i'm going to start going to math and taking all of school more seriously. i'm in it, and there's nothing i can do to get out of it, so i might as well do a good job at it. i'm not doing this for anyone but myself. i will have a lot less to worry about if i just take care of things. and i'm going to go out of my way now to get a job. they're applying at the dollar store and a local deli, and probably a lot more places. i'm going to save up and hopefully move out with colin in a few months, because i really can't take this place anymore. i have to write a paper on abortion. these are apparent aborted baby parts....

i think that shit's fake. besides, what kind of sicko saves dead fetus parts and lays them over a quarter to take photos of?

morganrules @ 2008-11-03T16:54:00

2008-11-03T21:07:19Z

i think i'm back on the wagon. i said no to everything this morning and i have class through dinner time so i hope that will be easy to avoid. so far today i've had coffee with cream in it. i'm really tired. i think it's because i slept too much and i'm just groggy. i'm going to have something small when colin gets out of work then i'm going to take my sleep meds and go to bed. i'm still 5lbs heavier than thursday, i hope it all comes off by this thursday again and i won't drink and shit this weekend (HAHAH.) i'm kidding myself there. it's so hard to avoid that stuff on weekends when structure disappears. and i get wasted and want taco bell and am too drunk to care about calories. blegh. i dont fucking know. this shit sucks. i just want to be thin thin thin.

i have a quiz in philosophy in an 1.5hrs on 40 pages of text that i haven't read. GREAT. i should go get on that but for some reason i really just don't give a fuck. colin's mom yelled at me for never going to math. she told me that my parents would be wicked pissed and that i wouldn't be able to transfer. blah blah blah. it made me feel weird. i know she has good intentions and that what she's saying is true, but it's stuff i already knew and don't need someone else to tell me. i know, and i obviously don't care. so why bother? colin did the same shit to me last night accept worse. he was trying to tell me that i was embarrassed to show up and afraid that i couldn't redeem myself. not true? fuck you? i just honestly don't care. i don't want to get up on four hours of sleep to waste gas going to a class where i learn nothing. not really my thing. i should probably just go talk to a counselor about it and see what can be done. i will tell them about my insomnia too and get a doctors note. i just really fucking hate this shit. it's not for me. but the people in my life really can't see that. and i know they have good intentions when they try to pressure me to take this route. but i'm not happy and i can't see myself being happy with anything like this in the future. and no one wants to listen to that. colin says it's an immature excuse for laziness and fear. which pisses me off even more. i didn't know it was immature to know myself. to identify what makes me happy or unhappy and take actions to improve MY OWN LIFE. seriously, fuck off. it's no one's business but my own. i'm a good girlfriend to him, i'm good to his mom and my parents, what i do in my own time does not concern them. plus them putting extra pressure on me just makes it that much more overwhelming and irritating.

morganrules @ 2008-11-01T19:31:00

2008-11-01T23:38:28Z

ugh fuck. i've gained 7lbs. i know it's just food and drink and i didn't ACTUALLY gain that much. however it's still sickening to see that number on the scale. i had taco bell and chinese food last night =( and today i had some stuffed crust pizza. ugh. i'm going out again tonight then i'm not eating or having alcohol for four days. i will do 200 calories/day.

i have dye in my hair right now because blonde just doesn't look good on me. i look busted in all the pictures i see of myself. the shit i'm doing now is dark mahogany? it's dark reddish brown which is very me. i hope it turns out. =)

halloween was pretty good. i wish people would wear neat costumes all the time.

lil ash is a nerd and i'm a vamp (sans fang)

morganrules @ 2008-10-30T23:02:00

2008-10-31T03:08:24Z

i'm exhausted. i haven't slept in 36ish hours. i hate halloween candy. i hate it. i keep fucking eating it. i'm sure if i didn't have all the calories from those tricky little bars that i would be AT LEAST .5lbs less than i am right now. i finally lost a pound though and i'm in the 1x0's. time to get down to the next ten digits! i would really like to lose another pound by tomorrow but i doubt that will happen. and i'm going to be drinking all weekend so monday isn't a good goal either. next friday i want to be 1x5. that's 5 pounds in a week. i can do it. =)

my arm pit and abs hurt. and my head is cold cause i showered. i cant wait for colin to get home. <3

probably the world's longest survey.

2008-10-29T22:49:07Z

Name | morgan
Piercings | two.
tattoos | zilch
Height | 5ft 8ish.
Shoe Size | 9?
Hair Color | blonde with wicked roots.
Eye Color | Blue.
Siblings | cooper

LAST...

movie you watched | mirrormask
movie you bought | i dont buy things
song you listened to | young pilgrims
cd you bought | i don't buy things
cd you listened to | ....
person you've called | colin
person that called you | my dad
person you were thinking of | no one

DO...

you have a crush on someone | no
you wish you could live somewhere else | yeah. for sure.
you think about suicide | not lately.
you believe in online dating | weird.
others find you attractive | only if they're attracted to fat junkie looking chicks.
you want more piercings | yeah
you like cleaning | no.
you like roller coasters | yeah
you write in cursive or print | both

FOR OR AGAINST...

long distance relationships | against.
using someone | Against.
suicide | Whatever.
killing people | Against.
driving drunk | Against.
gay/lesbian relationships | For.
soap operas | Against.

HAVE YOU...

ever cried over a girl | Yeah.
ever cried over a boy | yeah
ever lied to someone | Yeah.
ever been in a fist fight | yeah
ever been arrested | No.

WHAT...

shampoo do you use | color depositing shampoo so that my hair doesn't look orange.
shoes do you wear | green ones with holes. i want dr martens.
are you scared of | what i'm going to do with myself.
favorite 4 letter word | kite
Candy | swedish fish.
Cartoon | sealab 2021
Cereal | cinnamon toast crunch
Chewing gum | Anything spearmint.
Color | Purple and green
Color nail polish | red
Day of week | Wednesday.
Least fav. day | wednesday.
Jello flavor | hate jello
Jewelry | bracelets
Special skills/talents | sleeping for extraordinary amounts of time, skipping class and not getting caught, bullshitting.
Summer/Winter | autumn.

PERSON WHO LAST......

Slept in your bed | colin and me.
Saw you cry | hah, my english teacher and half the class.
Made you cry | the past.
You went to the movies with | haven't been to the movies in years.

Have you ever...
Said "I love you" and meant it | yeah
Gone out in public in your pajamas | Yes.
Kept a secret from everyone | yeah
Cried during a movie | umm yeah
Planned your week based on the TV Guide | no
Been on stage | Yes.
Been to New York | Yes.
Been to California | yes
Hawaii | No.
China | No.
Canada | Yes.
Europe | Yes.
Australia | No.
Wished you were the opposite sex | only so i'd have something to play with.
What time is it now | 6:22
Apples or bananas | bananas
Blue or red | Red.
Walmart or target | Whatever
Spring or Fall | Fall.
What are you gonna do after you finish this | ponder and pace.
What was the last meal you ate | coffee? i had some cheezits earlier too.
Are you bored | insanely
Last noise you heard | the shins
Last smell you sniffed | coffee

FRIENDSHIP/LOVE

Do you believe in love at first sight | no
Do you want children one day? if so, how many | None.
Most important thing to you in a friendship is | Trust and reliability.

OTHER INFO

Criminal record | runaway? i dont know if thats actually on there?
Do you speak any other languages | some french but probably not.
Last book you read | LOL/
Name some of your favorite things in your bedroom | bed, laptop. tv?
Worst feeling in the world | unwanted, rejected, worthless.
Who you love | A few people.
Nickname(s)| morten
How old do you look | 18-19
How old do you act | older than my age but not old.
Glasses/Contacts | neither
Braces | No
Do you have any pets | three dogs.
Get embarrassed | only when i get drunk and have to learn the next day how stupid i acted.
Are upset by | nothing right now
Love to... | sleep, do nothing, smoke, drink coffee.
Miss... | shit
Wish... | i didn't have any obligations

Have You Ever -
Flown on a plane: yeah
Missed school because it was raining: not a legit day off but prbably
Told a guy/girl that you liked them?: yeah
Put a body part on fire for amusement: no
Been hurt emotionally: yeah
Had an imaginary friend: no
Wanted to hook up with a friend: yeah
Ever thought an animated character was hot: no, that's just weird.
Had crush on a teacher: mr bubel, sort of.
Shampoo: huh?
Day/Night: wherever i am.
Summer/Winter: Summer.
Fave Food: avocados, cheese quesadillas, idk
Fave Drink: water coffee and forties.
Fave sport: hate sports.
Wearing: jeans and a shirt
Eating: Nothing.
Drinking: coffee
Listening to: the shins

- Do You Believe In -
Yourself: yeah
Destiny/Fate: no

- Friends & Life -
Do you ever wish you had another name?: ursula. gretchen. those are beautiful.
Which one of your friends acts the most like you?: Probably dana
Who have you known the longest of your friends?: marchele
Who's the shyest: Dana
Are you close to any family members? not particularly.
Who do you hang out with the most? colin, we fucking live together
What time is it now? 6:33
Best thing that has happened lately? pathetically losing weight

- Who -
Makes you smile: colin, dana, buzz.
Do You Have A Crush On Someone: no
Who Has it easier? Girls or Guys?: Guys. By far.

- Have You Ever: Part 2 -
Made out with JUST a friend?: yeah
Kissed two people in the same day?: yeah
Been in love?: Yes.
Been used?: yeah
Been cheated on?: Yeah.
Done something you regret?: umm i guess. dont really know

- Do You -
Color your hair? All the time.
Have tattoos?: no
Ever get off the damn computer? yeah, i hate being on the computer.
Habla espanol: no

Current taste: coffee.
Current hair: actually clean.
Current annoyance: headache.
Current desktop picture: flowers
Current favorite band: leftover crack, the misfits, alkaline trio
Current book: diary of a drug fiend.
Current cd in stereo: none
Current crush: - you.

-:-Do I-:-

Smoke?: Yep.
Have sex?: Yeah.
Have a dream that keeps coming back?: Yeah, really weird ones.
Remember your first love?: I guess.
Have any gay or lesbian friends?: yeah
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: Yeah
Consider yourself tolerant of others?: yes
have a favorite candy?: swedish fish
Have any pets: dawgz.
Go to or plan to go to college: i go, i don't want to.
Have any piercings?: ears
Have a secret crush?: No
Do they know yet?: -
Have a best friend?: no

-:-Juicy stuff-:-

Have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing?: No.
have you ever been intoxicated?: Yes.
favorite place to be kissed?: anywhere random
Are you a tease?: yeah
How many people have you kissed? +100.
Shy to make the first move?: no.
Last person you had sex with?: colin, my boyfriend.

-:-Appearance-:-

Hair: blonde, short choppy layers and straight across bangs.
Eyes: Blue.
Height: 5ft 8

-:-Last thing you-:-

Bought: gas
Read: that question
Watched on tv: whatever was on last night as i was trying to sleep.

-:-EITHER / OR-:-

Club or houseparty: house party. i hate clubs and bars.
Drinks or shots: whatever.
Cats or dogs: dogs
Pen or pencil: Pens.
Gloves or mittens: Gloves.
Food or candy: Food.
Cassette or cd: CD
Coke or pepsi: Coke.

-:-Who do you want to-:-

Kill: no one
Get really wasted with: my friends.
Look like: brody dalle.
Avoid: everyone

-:-Last person you-:-

Talked to: My mom
Hugged: dog
Instant messaged: uhhh
Kissed: colin

-:-Where do you-:-

Eat: Wherever.
Cry: wherever
Wish you were: on an adventure to somewhere else.

-:-Have you ever-:-

Dated one of your best friends? yeah
Drank alcohol? Yes.
Broken the law? Yes.
Run away from home? yeah.
Broken a bone? no
Played Truth Or Dare?: yeah
Kissed someone you didn't know? yeah
Been in a fight?: yeah
Come close to dying?: mult. times.

-:- What is -:-

Your bedroom like?: boring and messy.
Your favorite thing for breakfast? denny's grand slam with pancakes, scrambled eggs, hashbrowns and bacon.
Your favorite restaurant?: any fast food.

-:- Random Questions -:-

What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie?: the notebook?
If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?: nothing. that's gross.
Do you know anyone famous?: dont think so.
Describe your bed: on the floor and covered in shit.
Spontaneous or plain?: spontaneous
Do you know how to play poker?: No.
What do you carry with you at all times?: cigarettes, lighter, keys.
What do you miss most about being little?: not worrying about anything and doing whatever you want
How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for a year?: enough to get me through a year on the streets.
Have you ever been in a play?: Yeah.
Do you like yourself and believe in yourself?: yeah
Do you think you're cute?: No.
Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?: for the most part. i have my moments.

im at home right now and i'm bored

morganrules @ 2008-10-28T22:48:00

2008-10-29T03:16:29Z

weighed myself and it's the same it was on friday. 1x0. it sucks that i had a 3 day pause, but i'm happy that i didn't GAIN anything. i realize that i'm not going to lose 5 more pounds by this friday so i'll settle for 2-3. that will at least put me in the 1x0's which is =). i can't wait until i feel comfortable enough to say how much i weigh and not have to put an x in the ten's place due to shame. i want to eat right now but i won't let myself. i just ate some chips and salsa (100 cals) and it was hard to stop. i want to wait until colin gets home so that i can eat with him. because when he eats, it's inevitable that i do as well and i don't want to have more than one meal today. i'm going to work out tomorrow and thursday too.

got a 77 on that philosophy test, not bad but i want to get at least a B in that class. i still can't bring myself to get to math. it's so frustrating because i know that i really HAVE to, i just can't. i can't get up after only sleeping for 4 hours, to go to a class where i'm bored and irritated. i just want to pass that class and have it be over with. i'm really frustrated right now because i don't know when colin is going to get out of work. i never know. it's annoying to have to plan my night out when i don't know what to plan around. if i knew that he were going to get out at 1 or something then i would stay up and pick him up etc. or if he were going to stay later, i would take my meds and go to bed. but i don't know and i don't know what to do. he can never give me a time and it drives me absolutely NUTS waiting for that text. i know that i should just do what i want despite what he does, and that he'll learn to adjust to me, but for some reason i just can't. i don't know why. i feel like he wouldn't, and he'd just keep doing what he's doing. like staying up until 6:30, yeah, 6 fucking 30 in the morning and then sleeping until right before he leaves. sakdjfkbvka jhfrutewroiasdf i hate everything wtf.

morganrules @ 2008-10-26T15:49:00

2008-10-26T20:52:11Z

ergh. i have a hangover. yesterday was fun! i went to albany with sarah, i really want to go there. with her too. then i came back to glens falls and hung out with colin for a little while then we went to this birthday bowling party which was okay. i didn't know anyone and i don't like bowling. so meh. then we went to another birthday party and i got wasted off my ass. it was so much fun, and i made new friends. =) i had to eat some yesterday because i knew i would be drinking, so i had a salad and a plate of pasta. meh. i have the worst headache in the world right now, i want to die.

edit* soo i went out to dinner and had an enchilada, half a taco, half a chimichanga, some beans and rice and some chips and salsa. there were a lot of things but i didn't eat that much of all of them. it was probably about 800 cals all together, and that's all i've had today so i'm not TOO disappointed in myself. i let myself eat a little on weekends. i figure i drank like 500 calories last night and ate about 600. i told myself to stay under 800 but it's okay. i'm terrified now to weigh myself because i think i gained lots of weight just from the food being in my system and being bloated from drinking. ergh. i'll wait until tuesday or wednesday or something. blehhh.

morganrules @ 2008-10-24T19:46:00

2008-10-24T23:49:33Z

i need to get the fuck out of this place. i'm sure i've met the criteria to be considered clinically insane. i have this weird feeling like i need to leave. i need to be somewhere else and do something else. someone want to go on an adventure with me? being alone sucks.

my dog got a love letter in the mail today. cute?

morganrules @ 2008-10-24T03:34:00

2008-10-24T07:31:33Z

uhh. nothing really happened today. i went to class and then left. i came back here and sat around. went to the gym. came back. lost a pound. 11 pounds total now. umm. i'm pretty sure it's just sweat and stuff and that i'm still that pound fatter. i didn't eat all day until colin got back. i had three bites of cole slaw, three slices of ham and some grapes. then a few bites of the crust from a stuffed crust pizza. i almost passed out at the gym today. it was scary. i had just got off the elliptical and sat down on a leg press machine thing. i did a few reps and felt really really dizzy. i looked around the room and i felt like wasn't in it, you know? i couldn't hear anything and i was staring at all this stuff and i couldn't breath. it passed, and i didn't. i was really more concerned about embarrassing myself and having my membership revoked for some reason. i had probably -100 calories today. tomorrow is going to be fairly busy i think -.- i should get some sleep but i'm really not tired and kind of anxious. i need medicine for this.

morganrules @ 2008-10-23T02:23:00

2008-10-23T06:15:02Z

i went to dana's today and it was good. we went downtown and i lost a brand new pack of cigarettes FUCK FUCK FUCK. i can't believe i did that. that fucking sucks. =( anyways. watched this really cool movie and ate a ton of hershey kisses =(. lost another pound though. life is bland.

morganrules @ 2008-10-22T00:06:00

2008-10-22T04:41:56Z

lost 9.6lbs in 8 days. i want to lose at least another 5lbs by halloween. preferably 8-10lbs but i can deal with 5. that would put me in the 1x0's at least. i put an x there because i dont want to say how much i actually weigh. sad, right? today i've had two bites of bacon, a handful of cheerios, lots of coffee (mostly black,) some lettuce with cheese, and a few bites of EWW FRIED STEAK.

i was going to come back and not eat anything but OF COURSE there was shit on a plate when i arrived. PLEASE STOP FEEDING ME. i don't want it. but i can't be rude. it puts me in such an awkward position when there's a plate full of shit that i don't want to eat and you're sitting there watching me eat it. the point of this is that I control what goes into my body. plus, everything that is given to me is either fried or carbs or something extremely fattening. it makes me feel so uncomfortable. and it's more than just the food. i've been feeding myself since, what, fourth grade? yeah. i can take care of it when i'm hungry. i'm a big girl and i can get shit for myself, that isn't so fattening. don't get me wrong though. i'm extremely grateful for the generosity, the caring and the attempt, it's just not what i want or need.

i found this stupid survey somewhere. and i'm bored, so. 1. What is your favorite food? avocados, peanut butter, bananas.
2. What is your favorite drink? coffee coffee coffee, water, tea and anything diet.
3. What is your general diet plan? eat as little as possible. when necessary - lettuce/other veggies, protein bars, plain grilled chicken/fish, ya know.
4. What are your views on eating disorders? shit happens.
5. Who is your Power It-Girl? [you know, your thinspo or whatever] umm, i'd fuck brody dalle in a HEARTBEAT.
6. What is your favorite funny movie? elf
7. What is your favorite musical group? leftover crack, the misfits, choking victim, alkaline trio, old brand new, the distillers, sourpuss, you get the point.
8. When you reach your GW, what outfit will you dance in front of the mirror in, and to which song? i will buy cute new panties, tall socks, doc martens and a cute bra and rock out to born to die, crack rock steady and city of angels. fuck yhahhh

so i had to do this presentation in english today on ralph waldo emerson's "self reliance." it was a pretty good essay and i agree with what he was saying. however i think it's completely pointless if you do exactly what he is telling you not to. if you stand there and regurgitate what he said. i did a presentation on santa claus and his impact on society and the economy. i think i got it right. i don't really give a fuck if i didn't because i got to write a paper on fucking santa claus. i had a really motivating day in that class because everyone liked my writing =).

I ACTUALLY WENT TO MATH! and it's still really fucking easy. i missed five classes and i wasn't lost at all. it's cool but it sucks because i'm not motivated to go at all. ummm it fucking snowed kind of. what the hell?

i can't wait for this weekend! sarah and i are going to ualbany to look. i hope we both go there. that would be sick. if not then sage. there is columbia but i don't know if i want to go so far away. part of me says yeah, go! then the other part knows that i can't support myself like that. i think that if i were to be totally on my own, in a new city i'd be tempted to get to know it the way i'm used to. and to say the least, it's not healthy. i think i would just fuck everything up. it's not that i can't handle shit on my own, it's just the way i do it is not going to work in a scholastic environment. plus i'm wicked socially retarded and would end up being alone. and further falling into this shit that i am now, living at home.

i think i am going to be a very sexy vampire/elvira for halloween.